"People use computers to keep romantic prospects waiting in the wings."
It's an uncomfortable truth that is bound to touch a nerve in even the most committed among us.
A male friend recently expressed his concern about his girlfriend's contact with an ex. Well, multiple exes actually.
She was adamant it was innocent – they were mates. He was convinced they were back burners – that she was keeping the door ajar for a future fling, should their relationship falter.
Whether his fears are warranted or not, it is not uncommon to have a "back burner" relationship.
They are not the domain of singles either, according to recent research.
A back burner, to be clear, is not someone who we think is cute or who comes to mind occasionally.
Rather, they are, the study explains, "a person to whom one is not presently committed, and with whom one maintains some degree of communication, in order to keep or establish the possibility of future romantic and/or sexual involvement".
We will always, in a long-term relationship, find others attractive, but I choose not to chase the fire.
It is not worth the confusion or potential chaos for a bit of an ego boost.
I'm not sure how can we know the true potential of anything if we are not totally committed to it and if I'm exploring other options, I figure I'm not into someone enough to be with them in the first place.
But this is not how many people feel.
Keeping our options open is tempting, especially when we're not fully invested, we hit a rough patch in our relationship, fear rejection or are afraid to fall too deeply. It can simply be that we think there might be a better offer out there, we want to have our cake and eat it too or we just like the attention.
Some of these reasons might explain why the researchers made an unusual finding.
Theoretically, if we're madly in love, we shut down back burners, right? Not necessarily.
There is, they found, "no relationship found between back burners and commitment or investment".
The 374 participants in the study answered questions about how many back burners they had, how they interacted, whether they were in a relationship and how in love they were, if they had a partner.
Mostly, those with back burners communicated via texts (45 per cent) and Facebook (37 per cent).
Some spoke over the phone, emailed or were in contact via Skype.
"I think back burner relationships are something we've always had – the little black book has been around for a long time – they are just more accessible now" says Val Holden, of Relationships Australia, adding, "it's technology that's brought it to the place it is."
It's easy to "like" something and relatively harmless – or at the very least ambiguous – to check in with people on Facebook. It keeps our options open without too much risk.
"There's a big difference between a 'like' or chat on Facebook and dinner/drinks," says Holden, who notes that "likes" or the odd message are not always signs of a 'back burner'.
"It may be quite innocent," she says, "someone might read more into a 'like' than is meant ... things can be misinterpreted."
This is why there are no hard and fast rules about what is or isn't OK and what does and does not cross a line.
It's murky territory – and, of course, platonic friendships do exist between the sexes and even between exes. The researchers are looking to refine their understanding of what constitutes a back burner more. If we're in touch with someone once in a blue moon, is that still a back burner? What if our back burner ends up in a relationship etcetera?
Holden says it is about getting to know each other and communicating to figure out what we're both OK with.
"Every relationship and every person is different," Holden says. "It's something you need to talk about. What's appropriate within your relationship and what's acceptable to your relationship."
This assumes we are being honest with our partners. And, of equal importance, it is about getting to know and be honest with ourselves too, so that the truths of what we want, who we're with and are in a relationship with are ones we "like". Otherwise, it's probably worth putting it on the back burner.
